1. YOUR GIRLFRIEND?! Get out! NO! Stop. I can’t. I literally can’t. I can’t believe that your girlfriend is your woman crush Wednesday again. I wasn’t expecting that. I also wasn’t expecting it to be an incredibly unflattering picture of her because you’re trying to be funny. You threw me for a curveball on that one. I’m not going to expect it next week either.
2. I LIVE TO PLEASE YOU, people in the comment section of online articles. I live to obey your laws, your beliefs, and your viewpoints on the entire world as a whole. And I read each comment carefully, and I sit up late at night contemplating how I can continue to please you. Your opinions matter so much. Too much, actually, or else you’d be published yourself on all these opinion websites. You’re too good for them. Too damn good.
3. YOUR GRANDFATHER IS…
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